Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Heartburn
So, if the old wives tale is correct about heartburn = hair on the baby's head......Then we are in for alot of media attention cause I swear I'm having chipanzees.
1 fish, 2 fish...how many fish????
On 5/27/08 at 10:30 we had our first sonogram. It was the songram tech, Dr F, the Nurse C and my DH and I. Dh and I were watching the Doctor as she was watching the screen, light beaming from her eyes and radiating from her smile. You could tell she was about to tell us wonderful news. As she spoke pure joy flowed from her lips and she said " you are having twins and they look PERFECT" I so loved hearing that word....PERFECT. It was then that the world felt normal again, the earth was rotating on it's axis without interuption.........but.....quickly on point she said....."um go back to the third one"
HUH????? UMMMMM 3???? WHAT????
My tears of joy were now tears of shock....still joyful but scared as well. With further examination of the third egg sack we noticed there was NO sign of life, until yesterday!!
on 6/3/08 at 10:30 our second sonogram showed
1 Fish-heartbeat 130 measuring 7 weeks 5 days
2 Fish-heartbeat 132 measuring 7 weeks 5 days
Red fish-heartbeat 62 measuring 5 weeks 2 days
The doctor said fish 1 and fish 2 are once again "PERFECT" that word just sounds like music when it is spoken about our babies.
She does not feel as if I will carry Red fish to term, she feels as if red fish will just be absorbed into my body because it is so far behind. She actually said she'd prefer if I did not try to carry all 3 in case red fish grows and flourishs. But DH and I have decided we will do what God wants us to do.
They have heartbeats, they have brains, they are apart of us. They are our children and we love them already with our whole beings. I am so absolutely amazed at how much I love them. How just the thought of them brings me to tears. Just to be sure....I made them double check again to make sure we wont be surprised next week with a 4th.
HUH????? UMMMMM 3???? WHAT????
My tears of joy were now tears of shock....still joyful but scared as well. With further examination of the third egg sack we noticed there was NO sign of life, until yesterday!!
on 6/3/08 at 10:30 our second sonogram showed
1 Fish-heartbeat 130 measuring 7 weeks 5 days
2 Fish-heartbeat 132 measuring 7 weeks 5 days
Red fish-heartbeat 62 measuring 5 weeks 2 days
The doctor said fish 1 and fish 2 are once again "PERFECT" that word just sounds like music when it is spoken about our babies.
She does not feel as if I will carry Red fish to term, she feels as if red fish will just be absorbed into my body because it is so far behind. She actually said she'd prefer if I did not try to carry all 3 in case red fish grows and flourishs. But DH and I have decided we will do what God wants us to do.
They have heartbeats, they have brains, they are apart of us. They are our children and we love them already with our whole beings. I am so absolutely amazed at how much I love them. How just the thought of them brings me to tears. Just to be sure....I made them double check again to make sure we wont be surprised next week with a 4th.
Mothers day 2008
6 pregnancy tests all that morning (4 different kinds) all with faint positive results ( 10 days post IUI)
Sore, swollen breasts. Lack of energy and feeling like I wanted to puke every time I ate. I still did not believe we were pregnant. I needed to hear it from the doctor. It was kind of hard to hide it from everyone on the boat Saturday night when I hopped from the table (in my wedding dress) holding my mouth and ran into the bathroom to find myself sitting on the floor praying to the porcelain god. I could hear my SIL outside saying "oh no...I really have to go, does this mean I have to use the mens room?" ha ha ha. (Thanks J, I really needed to laugh at that moment-and it worked) Then over Mothers day brunch when from the other side of the table the smell of ketchup felt crude to my system. The lingering smell flourishing in my body, controling my mind and it felt as if my system would implode any minute. YUCK!!
I was so afraid when the doctor called Wednesday afternoon that she would tell my my worst fears. I had nightmares that she told me that all of my feelings and positive results were being caused by the medication and that we were not pregnant. I could not even talk to her, I made Christopher talk as I listened....holding my stomach and my breath.
She said " well, are you ready for the good news. Congradulations you are pregnant! The numbers are PERFECT and I am amazed because it NEVER HAPPENS ON THE FIRST TRY"
again.....NEVER SAY NEVER
Sore, swollen breasts. Lack of energy and feeling like I wanted to puke every time I ate. I still did not believe we were pregnant. I needed to hear it from the doctor. It was kind of hard to hide it from everyone on the boat Saturday night when I hopped from the table (in my wedding dress) holding my mouth and ran into the bathroom to find myself sitting on the floor praying to the porcelain god. I could hear my SIL outside saying "oh no...I really have to go, does this mean I have to use the mens room?" ha ha ha. (Thanks J, I really needed to laugh at that moment-and it worked) Then over Mothers day brunch when from the other side of the table the smell of ketchup felt crude to my system. The lingering smell flourishing in my body, controling my mind and it felt as if my system would implode any minute. YUCK!!
I was so afraid when the doctor called Wednesday afternoon that she would tell my my worst fears. I had nightmares that she told me that all of my feelings and positive results were being caused by the medication and that we were not pregnant. I could not even talk to her, I made Christopher talk as I listened....holding my stomach and my breath.
She said " well, are you ready for the good news. Congradulations you are pregnant! The numbers are PERFECT and I am amazed because it NEVER HAPPENS ON THE FIRST TRY"
again.....NEVER SAY NEVER
The Hallway
My Grandma....my rock always says " When one door closes, another one opens but it is hell in the hallway".
(a door closes) Even when I was a child and asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I'd say " A MOMMY" . I have always felt it to be my dream, my destiny, and my passion. So when I met the man of my dreams, my soul mate and got married I was shocked, amazed and distrought when I was told my chances of conceiving naturally was 0, and the chance with medical interventions wasn't much better. I was as if someone had popped my bubble, stepped in my birthday cake and destroyed my life. I know that might sound a little much...but that was truly how I felt.
(a door opens) So, my sweet prince and I head on over to the fertility doctor with a small chance that it may help our chances.
(here comes the hallway part) Well.....Fertility doctors are def not for those people who are self conscious, and if you are....you won't be for long. I swear I could probably walk around Central Park naked now after my experience where, before I wouldn't even walk around my house in the same state. Appointments almost every day or every other day. I swear if there was a hole, or they could make a hole...they used it or did it to make me take a different kind of test. Then of course waiting for the results........test at 7am, call with results between 2:30 or 3:00...YIKES!!!!
Medication injections- EVERYDAY! The almighty NUN PEE or Nun urine as we so kindly called it was EXPENSIVE!! Thank goodness for the internet, the fertility meds black market and my darling husband (DH) for finding the sites.
I'm not complaining, I would not change any of it for anything but I am not known to be a patient person and just waiting and anticipating and AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH! When most women were on the medication for 5-6 days...and here I am on double the dose for 20, makes you feel broken. That is exactly how I felt. Broken and darn expensive. I felt as if I was letting myself and my DH down. Every time I walked into the doctors office I felt like there were dollar signs hanging above my head and with every step I took inside the door I heard....the "cha-ching, cha-ching" of a cash register.
We were warned that with IUI (inter Uterine insemination) there was only a 15% chance and even less on the first try..."it never works on the first try" we were told by so many people! NEVER SAY NEVER!!!
IUI day: when the IUI was being done. I looked at my DH and started crying and said " IT WORKED!!! WE JUST MADE A BABY" I do not know how I knew. I just felt a rush, a breeze of warmth and joy in my heart and in my soul. I truly knew from that moment that it was a miracle. They are miracles. God has blessed us, I feel so very honored.
(a door closes) Even when I was a child and asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I'd say " A MOMMY" . I have always felt it to be my dream, my destiny, and my passion. So when I met the man of my dreams, my soul mate and got married I was shocked, amazed and distrought when I was told my chances of conceiving naturally was 0, and the chance with medical interventions wasn't much better. I was as if someone had popped my bubble, stepped in my birthday cake and destroyed my life. I know that might sound a little much...but that was truly how I felt.
(a door opens) So, my sweet prince and I head on over to the fertility doctor with a small chance that it may help our chances.
(here comes the hallway part) Well.....Fertility doctors are def not for those people who are self conscious, and if you are....you won't be for long. I swear I could probably walk around Central Park naked now after my experience where, before I wouldn't even walk around my house in the same state. Appointments almost every day or every other day. I swear if there was a hole, or they could make a hole...they used it or did it to make me take a different kind of test. Then of course waiting for the results........test at 7am, call with results between 2:30 or 3:00...YIKES!!!!
Medication injections- EVERYDAY! The almighty NUN PEE or Nun urine as we so kindly called it was EXPENSIVE!! Thank goodness for the internet, the fertility meds black market and my darling husband (DH) for finding the sites.
I'm not complaining, I would not change any of it for anything but I am not known to be a patient person and just waiting and anticipating and AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH! When most women were on the medication for 5-6 days...and here I am on double the dose for 20, makes you feel broken. That is exactly how I felt. Broken and darn expensive. I felt as if I was letting myself and my DH down. Every time I walked into the doctors office I felt like there were dollar signs hanging above my head and with every step I took inside the door I heard....the "cha-ching, cha-ching" of a cash register.
We were warned that with IUI (inter Uterine insemination) there was only a 15% chance and even less on the first try..."it never works on the first try" we were told by so many people! NEVER SAY NEVER!!!
IUI day: when the IUI was being done. I looked at my DH and started crying and said " IT WORKED!!! WE JUST MADE A BABY" I do not know how I knew. I just felt a rush, a breeze of warmth and joy in my heart and in my soul. I truly knew from that moment that it was a miracle. They are miracles. God has blessed us, I feel so very honored.
My letter to God
Dear God,
For so long I was mad at you and I truly believe that at one point or another in the past 15 years I actually hated you. I have always been a good person and just could not fathom why everything was going so badly. Why the "bad stuff" was just being piled higher and higher on my shoulders. There were days when I could not breathe because the weight of the world was crushing my wind pipe and could not see because my brain had shut down. I had always wondered what it was that I did to deserve my life and the terrbile things that had accompanied it.
But now, I have tiny heartbeats inside of me. You have graced us with life, tiny little miracles of joy and love. I feel ashamed and embarrassed for all those years of hatred and anger. I am so very sorry. Now, I truly do not know what I have done to deserve this. Not only have you blessed us with a tiny miracle, but with multiple miracles. I am so grateful, I feel so honored, so blessed and so very loved by you.
For so long I was mad at you and I truly believe that at one point or another in the past 15 years I actually hated you. I have always been a good person and just could not fathom why everything was going so badly. Why the "bad stuff" was just being piled higher and higher on my shoulders. There were days when I could not breathe because the weight of the world was crushing my wind pipe and could not see because my brain had shut down. I had always wondered what it was that I did to deserve my life and the terrbile things that had accompanied it.
But now, I have tiny heartbeats inside of me. You have graced us with life, tiny little miracles of joy and love. I feel ashamed and embarrassed for all those years of hatred and anger. I am so very sorry. Now, I truly do not know what I have done to deserve this. Not only have you blessed us with a tiny miracle, but with multiple miracles. I am so grateful, I feel so honored, so blessed and so very loved by you.
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